Brass and Bravado

Day 4: Three's Company??

2009-08-02T20:49:00.003-04:00

I was moving in with one man but now I am moving in with two men. Some would say this is just plain stupid, but I'm not even really nervous about the gender difference as I am about having a roommate. The one was cool because he wasn't going to be around that much, but now two...I haven't had a roommate in a while. I like the way I do stuff so I'm intimidated coming into this situation. It's temporary so that's a relief, but this challenge might be more than I can handle. Men are not always neat, they don't wash dishes, laundry can be found any and every where, etc. etc. etc. Roommates in general can be a bit much, but I have surely picked a doozy with this one. So what am I going to do...remain calm. I think ever since I said I would live fearlessly, the universe has been conspiring to give me the craziest opportunities to do it. I've got to be honest though...this one scares the crap out of me. What have I gotten myself into...

Unfortunately, I don't think it will be as hot as the show...but you never know...

OPP - Naughty By Nature

2009-07-31T01:23:00.002-04:00

Ok, Ok...OPP

Day 1: OPP

2009-07-31T00:43:00.004-04:00

No, not Naughty by Nature so stop singing the song. Other People's Perceptions. I bite my tongue for no one...well, at least that is the type of person I am. I speak my truth, but mostly to myself. I'm worried about being rejected and being called that word... "assertive." So I just go with the flow and bite my tongue, which gets me in trouble because at some point I end up exploding. Well today I spoke my mind on any and every thing without wondering whether or not that person was going to call me, eh-hem, "assertive." I've been told repeatedly by those who know me to "speak up" or "say what you must" rather than attempt to contain myself. It can lead to things not getting done or create confusion. I've learned in life to always say what you mean and mean what you say. Sounds cheesy, but it worked. It does not mean unleash your wrath on the young and helpless; it does however mean don't let what you think a person may feel about you deter you from being who you are. Eventually they are going to find out anyway whether it's in that moment or down the line...I can't wear the mask forever. So the mask has been removed. And what do you know, I wasn't rejected. I'm done with OPP (that was so corny) :-)

365 Days Fearless

2009-07-29T21:35:00.002-04:00

Fear. It can rope you in to a downward spiral. There should be a healthy fear of things but when it stops you from doing everyday things, then it's a problem. I have somehow been captivated by this fear and lost my way. Can you imagine a life where the seas part, doors automatically open, and nothing is ever hard? Well, that was my life. I would go to do something and it would just work out. The only effort I ever really had to exert was just showing up. I never thought that things wouldn't be perfect. Well, life happens and I have learned how imperfect it can get. I have worked a few jobs that I didn't like and the job I'm working doesn't pay enough to take care of basic needs. Something must give. I have applied for other jobs and I've been worried about it, thinking negatively about my circumstance. I've cried, gotten angry and frustrated, but no change. I realize though that the change has to start within me. Having a job, a career, a house, a husband, kids, and all that stuff will not change me or make me happy. I used to think that was the case, but today I read the introduction to a book called Fearless and in those 15 pages I found myself. Scared of the storm, scared to walk on water...the person of little faith. Full of doubt. I thought to myself how do people get out of ruts to become successful? They do what they would never do and to some it may seem stupid, but to that person it makes perfect sense. Well, this is my 365 days of living fearlessly. Anything that has scared me or deterred me from striving for more I will conquer. From the large to small, I will conquer. I see more for myself so I'm going for it. So tomorrow will start Fear-less. Will it change my life???...I hope so :-)

That's Mine

2009-07-26T20:54:00.002-04:00

This blog started after having two conversations followed by a realization about myself so this is going to be pretty personal but it may inspire conversation at the least.

This week I was sitting in at Vacation Bible School with the teenage class. They had some questions about the Bible and the topic of marriage came up. One girl stated that she thought a piece of paper doesn't define a marriage. She used her uncle and aunt as an example of a couple that are common law and have been together for 20 years. They do the same things that every other married couple does except they don't have a piece of paper. At that moment in time, I was inclined to agree with her. Who needs a paper, a ceremony, and all the other bells and whistles just to affirm a relationship? I could see her disillusionment with marriage because I myself was, until two days ago, over the institution of marriage...I was just going to find another way.

The second conversation was about whether or not you would let your significant other check or use your cell phone. The question really came about a situation where there was a lack of trust in the relationship so the other person was checking their cell phone for messages...and secretly. That's a problem. But posing the question got me some surprising responses...everyone who was married overwhelmingly said yes they had no problem with their significant other using or even looking at their cell phone. The person gets full access. I of course said no and someone asked me, "what determines someone's significance?" I responded marriage and then it was stated,"I wouldn't marry someone I couldn't share everything with." Huh...good point.

For a while, I thought about the good qualities as a good wife and I have plenty...honestly, I'm pretty freaking awesome. And I guess if that is all it took to be married I would've done it by now. I love love, romance, the awkward first kiss, blah blah blah...but I haven't been able to get beyond that and I now know why...I'm not open. I thought I was, but I'm not. When I was watching Black in America, I really enjoyed the segment on marriage. Nika Muhammad wanted to show this young generation the power of marriage and the importance of it in the black American community. I started thinking about how I got here...to this point in my life. Well, I loved once and he was a great man, but it didn't work out. We were together for a long time and after that I kind of just shut down. I stopped being myself and started being what I thought other people wanted. Well now I have come full circle and I have no problem being myself, but I did have the inevitable "this ain't gonna work" so I just stop. I don't open up.

However, I realized two days ago, that openness is the only way to success. The willingness to put oneself in a vulnerable situation. Openness. It renewed my belief that I do want to get married. And of course be open.

I Just Wanna Be Successful...

2009-07-25T13:06:00.005-04:00

The young and talented Drake released this song several months ago on his mixtape before signing a large contract with Young Money. I imagine at that time in his life he was feeling a little down about his career and needed some inspiration. Things just did not seem to be going his way and to vent a little, he wrote a chart topping song. So what is his definition of success? Well, duh...material wealth and all the women a man could want. That's Drake's definition of success and I think he has been seeing his dream fulfilled as of recent. He got me thinking about my definition of success: job security, make my own choices, balance between work, play, and family; financial stability, own a house, nice car...essentially running my life. But even beyond all of that, happiness and contentment are what I hope to find in my life. That's when I know I have successfully achieved my goal. We could all do anything and make money, but if it leaves one unhappy and unfulfilled then I do not think success has been achieved. Do not get me wrong, money is a necessity, but at some point it does become a luxury. So here is a task if you care to indulge yourself: find a large piece of paper and draw, map, color, write, whatever works best for you, your idea of success. What will it look like? Who is in it? What will it smell like? What will it taste like? Have you attained it yet? Does it bring you peace and contentment? If you haven't reached it yet, what can you do to get there? Drake is right in his assessment, there are no limits to success. Whatever it is only we have the power to make it happen.

This ends my PSA.

Jungle Fever Complex: The Difficulty With Intergration

2009-07-20T22:19:00.003-04:00

I have a problem with this and not jungle fever, but the fact that in 2009 we are still having the same conversations as they did half a century ago. There remains deep wounds in our country from the events that made a United States of America possible. It hurts...it hurts me. I went to America I Am and I was breathless looking at the shackles used to lead Africans onto slave ships never to return. Reading The Slave Ship, I could not contain my emotion hearing the story of a man who used his own fingernails to slit his throat rather than become a slave. The stench of death that overwhelmed the ship. Somehow as African Americans we believe we were the only ones destroyed by this horrendous multi-billion dollar business, but we weren't. How is that so you ask? Can you imagine what type of person you must become to be a captain of a slave ship for the great monetary reward, but often, not enough time in your life to spend it. In order to ensure your prize, you must believe that this cargo is not human, they have no likeness to you and are more like beasts of the earth. You must convince yourself that this is a good thing for these "savages" to be taken from their family and home. Your conscious every now and again awakens you, and you realize that if you were in shackles and chains, you would do everything in your power to kill the person responsible. Who do you become? Wounded. These wounds appear in discrimination, racism, sexism, anger, resentment, fear, nihilism, identity crisis, and violence.

These wounds become even more evident when we see a couple in love that happens to be interracial. It has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion recently so I began to ponder this issue. Thinking about my background and casual experiences that really tell a great deal about how far our country has actually come. So hear are a list of things that I just brushed off, but are actually bleeding wounds:

1. I remember the statement being made "don't you bring no white boys home."

2. Each time I meet an interracial couple, I have already been prepped by my black friend that he or she is dating someone white I guess so I do not act shocked or crack a racist joke.

3. I have had the discussion a few times that integration was the worst thing to happen to African Americans because we lost our culture.

4. My stepmom was Jewish and we would get stares from people if we went somewhere by ourselves as if something was wrong with the two of us holding hands or her being motherly.

5. I have been told an overwhelming majority of my life (elementary to high school) that I "act" white and "talk" white. I was teased and taunted because I used "big words" and excelled in class.

6. I grew up knowing, and it has now become engrained in my brain, that marrying someone outside of my race is impossible.

7. The denial of any white descendants in my family pervades, but I don't know too many "pure" African Americans that can make a child with blonde hair and blew eyes like quite a few of my cousins.

Some of you may have your own list, but what I want to know is what is the big deal? We are being dragged reluctantly towards progress alienating a growing population of Americans. Something must give. I'm proud to be black but not at the detriment of others. If I married someone of a different race, is that really the worst thing that could ever happen? We're still segregated...we're still separate except this time it's by choice...so tell me, why do we choose to live separate? And why are we upset by those who don't?

My Voice

2009-04-15T22:29:00.002-04:00

Writing for me is a release. Whenever I am about to write I get a complete calm. Whether I am describing the essence of a perplexing topic or telling a funny joke, I always have the same feeling. My writing is me, unveiled with no boundaries. I can carry myself to the hills and to the valleys with my words. I can change the world with my words. I can express what I have not been able to convey with my speech. With all that I do, I always come back to my pen and paper.

I had a dream last night that I was shape-shifting like a chameleon. I was required by my boss to explain this change I was going through as a way of overcoming my fear of change. I was with two of my students who helped me explain the difference between who I was yesterday and who I am today. Each time I looked at myself before I explained my story I looked scared and shy. When I looked at myself afterwards I looked confident and determined. I don't know what it means, but it's quite clear that it is time that I share with people who have a certain expectation of me that they can no longer expect such things from me...

Today Was a Good Day

2009-04-14T21:03:00.004-04:00

Like Ice Cube said, everything is alright...today was a good day. I couldn't be any better and I had a great spring break. The timing is perfect for me. Nothing else to add...today was a good day.

let Ice Cube say the rest... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4RY-eJgHHs

Spring Cleaning

2009-04-04T20:06:00.003-04:00

I normally skip a few years of spring cleaning. I can never complete it but this year I am determined to finish spring cleaning. I have separated piles of things: toss, keep, storage. I feel like I need a pile for the unwanted stuff of my past. It's not necessarily toss because they are hard to get rid of. I stumbled upon a gift from an old boyfriend, some pictures from a place of former employment, my college graduation announcement. They are all just staring at me bringing up the underlying meaning of the object. It wasn't just a gift, but it was something that was going to bring us closer together. It wasn't just a picture, but it reminded me of the growth I experienced while working there. And college...well that was the best 4 years of my life that I will never be able to repeat. I get to move on though and create more memories with another person, work at another place, and take those great times with me forever. Spring cleaning is really about moving on; not getting bogged down by all that stuff you gathered over the year (or years in some cases) let go for the last time. I enjoyed it and I hated it all at the same time. I'm ready to move forward and forget the past...finally.

Brass and Bravado

2009-04-02T09:05:00.003-04:00

I like this name. It sounds cocky/confident, powerful, strength of character and it is perfect for the type of blog I am attempting to create. During these tumultuous times (which appear to be easing up more and more everyday) people aren't feeling too confident and strong. We've lost our joie de vie and are pretty much beginning to think that this is all a load of crap. I don't think we should give up. I think our biggest problem as Americans is that we thought we would never fall from grace and how wrong we were. I had an intuition/premonition years ago (3 years to be exact) that this was coming, but I forgot to prepare myself. So I wanted to convey that overcoming the struggle is bravado; reaching out to help others is bravado; making a way out of no way is brass and bravado. It requires strength to overcome hard times and they all come to us. The tough part is not giving in to the negative circumstances becoming depressed and eating a lot. Create your own brass and bravado. Build something. Start a business. Write a book. Take the steps to get the dream job. You will get there.

The 20-Something Recession

2009-03-31T21:37:00.002-04:00

I'm broke. Before this was not such a common saying, but as I talk to more 20-something's that have degrees in Roman Literature and Anthropology, the prospects of finding a job to cover our student loans/credit debt/clubbing on the weekends is dimming. Gen Y'ers are ill-equipped for this recession. It reminds me of something Katt Williams once said, "should you be making life decisions at the gas pump?" I am feeling the burn. I have gone back to teaching after getting a graduate degree in a field that is not hiring...in fact losing money. I've had to improvise, sell some stuff on ebay/craigslist, and even ask my parents for a little bit of help (ugh!!). I have now learned the key lesson that you cannot bet on tomorrow...it is completely out of my control. But I will say this, I have learned how to cook some pretty good food on a budget and I'm not being too frivolous with my money. It could be worse...

I Almost Had a Bad Day

2009-03-31T07:44:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning angry despite dreaming about money, cars, and fancy stuff. That anger was about to be more and then I heard my favorite morning song by soulful artist Lisa McClendon. Something about music can completely change my mood. That may be true for most everyone. The other day I was listening to the radio as I woke up and I heard "I'm So Into You", the Peabo Bryson version and it just made me smile. So I almost had a terrible day to be taken out on the people around me and then I heard Ms. McClendon's jazzy voice and I felt better. Thank you, Lisa

Pursuit of Happy...

2009-03-30T22:32:00.000-04:00

This part of my life, this is what I call WTF?? No I'm not in search of the eternal state, yet forever fleeting, of mind called happyness. I'm just looking for that perpetual motion that seems to make me happy...knowing WTF I am doing!! I am acting and I am doing but I feel like a stranger watching two lovers quarrel: you know their fighting but you have know idea why...or what about. If you are like me you stand there until you figure out what the argument is about and then you feel better. However, I've been standing by for quite some time and just as soon as I am close to figuring it out, it all changes and I'm back thinking "wtf??" Changeling. I'm the one that's changing and the stranger...well, the stranger just wishes I would stop.